Funeral revenge!
by XxNoblesse12
Summary: OkiKagu B-day fic for my little sister. Gintama 2015 episode 31/32 in Okita's POV. Kagura's 'funeral'.
**A/n: Hi! This is a B-DAY fic for my little sister, who is a dedicated OkiKagu fan. Happy Birthday if you're reading this imouto, I hope you like it! For the rest of you, please also enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Gintama.**

 _ **I recommend that you watch Gintama 2015 episode 31/32 before reading this, I've basically written those two episodes in Okita's POV.**_

* * *

 **SHINSENGUMI HEADQUARTERS**

It was a typical hot summer day, the sky was blue with not a cloud on the horizon as far as the eye could see, the sun shone down on the people with a vengeance, making even the smallest activities tiring and sweaty to do.

' _Almost... just a little bit farther to the right...'_

Hijikata Toushirou walked out of the Shinsengumi kitchen, newspaper in one hand, mayonnaise with pudding in the other, unsuspecting of the unfortunate 'accidental' death that awaited him when he moved along his way to the office.

On the roof of the Shinsengumi dojo right across Hijikata's position, A mysterious figure was laying on his belly, patiently waiting for his target. His sniper rifle was ready to shoot at any moment with his finger laying on the trigger.

 _'There!'_

Only years of experience on the battlefield and instinct from the many attempts that were made on his life allowed Hijikata to dodge the bullet that would have pierced his skull, killing him instantly.

"Tch..." the assailant muttered to himself "It missed." He shamelessly rose up from his position on the roof, giving a sadistic smile and a tiny wave to Hijikata, who was gaping up at him from the ground. "Sorry Hijikata-san, I was just testing the new equipment out."

Hijikata snapped his mouth shut. "YOU TOTALLY TRIED TO ASSASSINATE ME JUST NOW! AND WHAT NEW EQUIPMENT SOUGO!? WE DON'T USE SNIPER RIFLES!"

Okita Sougo, Shinsengumi captain of the 1st division adopted an innocent expression at the accusations Hijikata was throwing at him. "Sorry Hijikata-san, but it was lying around and with a target walki... _standing_ right in front of me I just couldn't help myself..."

Hijikata Toushirou was once again gaping up at the teen standing on the roof. "YOU TOTALLY TRIED TO SAY WALKING INSTEAD OF STANDING! IF YOU ATTEMPTED TO MURDER ME AT LEAST BE HONEST ABOUT IT!"

"Okay. I just tried to kill you." Okita deadpanned.

"I DIDN'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY YOU SADIST!" Hijikata yelled. Veins popped up on his forehead from anger while he pointed at Okita accusingly.

That chaotic scene was what Kondou Isao, captain commander of the Shinsengumi walked into when he entered the courtyard.

Of course this behaviour was nothing unusual from his two closest friends, merely making him blink once to take in the situation and moving on immediately after.

Normally he would have done just that and gone to his office, but today he couldn't leave the two be, they had a special job to do. So he called out to them, adopting his 'working face' that he always used when addressing serious manners.

"Toushi, Sougo."

Hijikata's head snapped back to look towards Kondou, not used to that tone coming from his happy-go-lucky-gorilla-stalker boss.

"What's the matter Kondou-san?" Asked Okita having simular concerns.

"Toushi and I have to accompany the princess to the hospital." Kondou said with a serious face.

"...Is there something wrong with her?" Hijikata asked with a frown on his face.

Kondou shook his head. "Not with her, with her friend. She's apparently on her deathbed."

"Why are you making such a big deal out of this Kondou-san?" Okita inquired, "although it's sad for her, if there's nothing wrong with the princess, it shouldn't be any of our businesses, nor should you be looking so serious."

Kondou got a sad look in his eyes. "It's because we know the princess friend. It's the China girl from the Yorozuya."

...

Okita froze for a moment. It was just a second, but for trained fighters like Hijikata and Kondou it was obvious that the news disturbed him.

"...what is wrong with her exactly?" Hijikata asked carefully, throwing a glance at Kondou.

"She's a Yato." Kondou answered, "They have an affliction against sunlight. At first it looked like it was just a summer cold, but she wasn't getting better.

I talked with Gintoki-san and he said that she was also coughing up blood, got a swollen body, and she finally slipped into a coma after throwing up. The doctors here on earth aren't aware of any treatments for the Yato because they are a rare type of alien, so they say that there is nothing they can do for her."

...

"I'll go with you to escort the princess." Okita said

"Are you sure, Sougo?" Kondou asked, concerned. He knew that of all the members of the Shinsengumi, Okita was the closest to the China girl (although it could be argued that he was equally as close to Gintoki), having built some sort of rivalry with her.

"Yes."

"Your choice..." Hijikata mumbled under his breath, then saying out loud. "Okay, we can't let the princess wait. Let's go."

* * *

 **SOYO-HIME**

Soyo-hime rushed to the hospital as soon as her escorts arrived. Now they were walking through the corridor of the hospital, looking for the room number.

Of course that wasn't needed when she heard the commotion coming from the second floor. It was just a rule that when there was chaos, the Yorozuya was somehow involved. They somehow always got in trouble. Kagura-chan had told her of the adventures they experienced together many times.

When she heard that her friend was on her deathbed, the only thing that went through her mind was that it couldn't be true. Not counting that she was one of the famous Yato race, Kagura-chan was one of the strongest people she knew. Even then, Sakata-san and Shimura-san always took care of her.

They entered the corridor that held the door to Kagura's room. The loud noises of an argument about her... Funeral?... echoing through the hallway. Soyo glanced around to her escorts. Kondou-san and Hijikata-san were looking normal, albeit a bit saddened. Who really caught her attention was Okita-san. He looked totally blank. No emotions whatsoever could be read on his face.

Maybe it was because she thought that expression didn't belong there (the admittedly few times she had met the teen before he always looked bored), but something kept her from averting her eyes away from him when Hijikata-san opened the door.

As soon as he laid eyes on Kagura-chan, his face went through a multitude of expressions. First he frowned a bit, as if he was figuring something out. Then came an overwhelming pure amount of _rage._ It could be her imagination, but she thought she saw him flash an evil smile that made chills go down her back. Then he smoothed his expression over, a serious look taking over his face, stepping forward to stand in the door frame.

Soyo averted her eyes, wondering what made him look that way, and for the first time she got a good look at her friend. Tears sprung to her eyes from the image provided to her.

Kagura-chan was laying on the hospital bed, an oxygen mask attached to her face. She was pale and sweating a lot, an IV-drop in her arm and a heart monitor attached to her bed.

She truly looked like she was laying on her deathbed.

* * *

 **OKITA**

When he first heard that Kagura was laying on her deathbed, he froze. No matter what, he just couldn't connect the rude gluttonous girl that he always fought with and teased with someone that would die from disease.

His next action was simple to decide on.

For Okita Sougo, if he couldn't believe what information was presented to him secondhand, he had to see it with his own eyes. So he volunteered to go with the princess to the hospital.

As soon as Hijikata-san opened the door, he knew.

One look at her face and he just _knew._

 _She was pretending._

Anger bubbled up in his chest, threatening to explode in full sadistic glory.

 _That little girl_! She _dared_ to make him come all the way here. For that alone she deserved the predicament she worked herself into.

Of course, him, being the sadist that he was, couldn't just let this sleight against his person go unpunished.

 _'Now, how to have fun with this...'_

The Yorozuya and their friends were squabbling over Kagura's funeral. None of them had discovered that the Yato girl wasn't even really in a coma. He honestly had no idea how they couldn't see it. To him it was _obvious_.

She even had her _eyes open_ for gods sake!

Meanwhile the people in the room were still arguing over her funeral.

Her _funeral_...

A sadistic smile overtook his face at the evil thoughts that filled his head. ' _Yes, that would do...'_

With a plan in mind, Okita steps forward."Just give it a rest." He said, leaning against the doorway.

While Soyo-hime ran forward screaming her friends name, Okita was thinking of a way to manipulate the princess into thinking that he was close enough to Kagura to know what she would want for her funeral.

Soon it came to him.

"Look at all of you," he said, "going on about things like offerings and funerals. Knock it off. You're in the presence of the princess. And this runt ain't dead yet."

He walked over to the bed and looked down at her with a soft and gentle expression. "You know she ain't the type to be killed off by something like this. Rest assured princess. She... she... ain't gonna die until me and her settle things for good."

Yes, this angle would work. Everyone in the room was already talking about funerals, Soyo-hime would be frustrated with all these people that Kagura was 'supposedly' close to dismissing her strength by not even considering her recovery. Then _he_ came in, the _one_ and _only_ person that stated he believed she would recover. And thus the only one who believed in her strength.

With his little speech the princess would think that he was the one that most cared for Kagura.

Plus it had the double benefits of letting the China girl believe that she could get out of the situation. It took almost all his strength to not burst out laughing like the evil genius he was, right then and there.

"Okita-san is right." Soyo-hime sniffed while drying her tears. "So please, everyone. Don't go deciding on Kagura-chan's funeral. Quit being so cruel. Kagura-chan is still alive. She's still breathing!

Please, at least let her decide on her funeral herself!"

...

Okita was having the time of his life! The princess had to be a closet-sadist! Only people like him would say something so cruel to someone who was laying on their deathbed!

"Kagura-chan..." she continued, "I'll grant any wishes you might have. How do you want to die?"

' _Yes_ ,' Okita thought to himself, ' _definitely a sadist.'_ Now he only had to pull the stops out of the heart monitor, and everyone would believe she died. Until...

"Please say something, Kagura-chan!" Soyo-hime called out.

Okita could basically _see_ the thought running through Kagura's head as she saw the opportunity to respond. ' _OH no, you're not going anywhere_.' He thought.

Just as Kagura opened her mouth, he moved forward and began strangling her with his elbow.

"What was that?" Okita asked, pretending that she was talking to him through the choking noises that came from her throat. This was kind of fun to do... "Oh, okay." He said while nodding his head. Then he turned towards Soyo-hime.

"I've figured out what she wants, princess." He said while firmly pushing his elbow down on her to restrict her airways.

"Really?" Asked Soyo-hime.

He nodded. "Let's start preparing for the service right away."

After that, it was only a matter of pulling the stops out of the heart monitor to make everyone believe she died. Thinking of the most uncomfortable funeral service that he could make up and playing it off as her wishes to the princess was the most fun thing he had done in a long time. He made sure to be the one to handle her body, lest they find out she was actually still alive. He snickered. He couldn't wait for her to wake up to her _own funeral_.

As they walked in the procession of Kagura's _state-funeral_ , Okita couldn't help but smile sadistically at the predicament that the China girl would find herself in. He made sure to be the one to have the remote control to the tanning salon-style coffin (that was admittedly the best idea he could have thought of to make her suffer).

Calculating that Kagura should have woken up by now, he began his motivational speech to the princess, knowing she would hear him from inside the coffin that he had left open on purpose.

"Princess, I'm sure she's overjoyed right about now that she gets such a grand send-off. Not only that, she gets what she's always wanted..." smirking at the face that Kagura must be making by listening to his explanation.

With great joy, he pushed the ON button of the remote control to her coffin.

"She's bathing in sunlight." He continued with a dramatic pause for effect. "Inside a tanning salon-style coffin as she departs for the afterlife."

"He..." he smirked. He loved being a sadist. The face that she must be making right now...

He shivered in sadistic joy.

* * *

At the funeral service, the people that knew Kagura had elected Otose to make a speech.

"Everyone," she began while stepping forward. "Thank you all so much for coming today. So many of you have gathered here. I'm sure that's made her very happy. As you can see from her smile, she was a girl that hated gloomy scenes. So please, send her off with a smile today. I'm sure that's the best parting gift we can offer her.

Now please come, one by one, to place your flowers of tribute in the coffin and say your last farewells to her."

' _Now_.' Okita thought. This moment was crucial after all. The gloating to her face moment was too precious to let go. He could also prolong his amusement by going first. This wasn't an opportunity to let go.

He stepped forward with a pink rose in his hand, "Allow me to go first."

When he could finally see her face, everything was worth it. It was _priceless_. Just like that, he couldn't hold his laughter in anymore.

"How d'you like the coffin? Nice and cozy? I figured you'd at least like to bask in sunlight in the afterlife, so I specially prepared this tanning salon-style coffin for you." He smiled sadistically at her while he turned up the heat in the coffin to its max.

"Yeah, I can tell how deeply thankfully you are to me, even if you don't say a word. You did all that because you wanted to test their love for you, right? In that case, instead of feigning illness, dying would better let them see they truly feel about you." He saw that she wanted to speak, luckily he had taken preventive actions for that.

"Don't worry. You won't be able to move or speak for another twelve hours. It'll be the _perfect_ playing-dead act. Not many people get the chance to see their own funerals, so you'd better be grateful. If their love for you is real, I'm sure they'll notice.

Though, by then, you might already be burned to a crisp inside this coffin or the incinerator."

He paused.

"Well, you reap what you sow. If you must resent someone, resent yourself for doing something so stupid as faking an illness." After dropping the rose into the coffin, he walked away to prolong her suffering. She really had brought all this onto herself.

With only a short convincing explanation to the princess and a conveniently placed conveyor belt, he had prepared a mix that created the most chaotic people on earth running out off time to say their goodbyes. A.K.A _Disaster._

Really, anything that involved the Yorozuya, normally turned out chaotic by it self. He knew that he probably didn't even have to do anything for a more painful Kagura, these people would make her hurt all by _themselves_.

Of course he was right. It was chaos. Such a beautiful, delicious chaos. It couldn't have gone better if he had planned it out _himself (although he did have a hand in it this time.)._

After being stabbed in the face by roses repeatedly, smacked against her coffin, smashed with a boulder, choked with said boulder, lifted by a MADAO, and almost killed by an even bigger boulder, he finally felt that she had learned her lesson.

He watched together with Soyo-hime, as the Yorozuya were tied up together and sent off to their funerals.

Yes. He was very satisfied with this ending.

* * *

Later that night, when he was walking home, he thought about his day and the China girl's fate with a smirk on his face. This was one of the best revenge plays he ever made.

 _'That's what she gets..._

 _for making me worry.'_

* * *

 **A/n: Hi guys, thank you very much for reading this oneshot. I hope you liked it. My other story Jaded will probably be updated in max. two weeks, so please have patience. Again, Happy birthday imotou, I hope you enjoyed it.**

 **I love you,**

 **XxNoblesse12**


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